I haven't written a tea talks in a little while and I thought that I was due for one. This week, I wanted to write about something that is going to happen in your life and in every relationship you are in. Trusting someone is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and even harder, forgiving someone. In some relationships, this does not go hand and hand. Sometimes if someone breaks your trust you can just end the friendship or break up but when you've been friends for 15 years or you're married, it's not so simple.
Building trust is something that takes time and really involves two people. First, it takes the other person showing you that they are nice at heart and don't have intentions of hurting you. If someone doesn't treat you well and hurts you all the time the chances are they aren't a great person to trust. But what sucks is that there isn't really a flipside to this. If someone trusts you wonderfully and would never want to do anything to hurt you or break you trust, it doesn't mean that they never will. All you really can do take a leap of faith.
I know that's super scary but I guarantee that you ruin every relationship you have by not trusting someone. When you don't trust someone you can't help but be suspicious of them or not let them go to be themselves or not let go enough to let them help you. Those are kind of fundamental when building a solid relationship. I know a lot of people who can't let down that wall because they are too afraid of getting hurt and in the end that's exactly what happens. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So you have to let down your wall but here a few questions to ask yourself that you can use to reassure yourself that it's okay to do that.
1.Do they do what they say they will? Saying something and doing it is a big step in feeling as though you can rely on someone.
2. Do they take their promises seriously? This is vary similar as the first question but a promise, no matter how big or small, is a promise. When some is willing to break a small one and take no responsibility for it, it definitely makes you wonder if you can trust them with big things.
3. Are they honest? I feel as though this is self-explanatory. Dishonesty is a big no-no in my book. If someone doesn't tell you the truth not only do I think that they are a coward and do I lose some respect for them but it also makes me feel as though they are misjudging who I am. It makes me feel as though they don't think I'm an empathetic or understanding person. I think the bravest thing is to be completely in the wrong but be able to be honest about what happened.
4. Are they open with their feelings and speak from the heart? I frequently feel as though it is hard to trust guarded people. A lot of time people who are really guarded find it harder to start and sustain relationships for many reasons. If you can't open up about even small things like how your day was then how can you get closer to another person and how can the two of you learn to help each other through hard times.
5. Do they omit important details? Lies of omission are still lies. It's scary to be involved with someone who doesn't come forward to all the details. It's like sitting in a dunk booth, waiting until someone hits the button and you get dumped into a pool of water. You're always sitting around questioning if they are going to spring something on you that they didn't tell you sooner.
Trust is way easier to get then to build back but all is not lost if you do break someone's trust. Just no that it will take time to get it back. Rome wasn't build in a day and neither is a strong relationship. Unfortunately, it will just take having to prove to the person that you are trustworthy time and time again until they believe you. But forgiveness can happen in time.
Know that forgiveness, trust, and emotional pain are all tied together and are all very real. No amount of flowers or gifts can erase when you have broken someone's trust. The best thing to do is claim ownership and work on mending the relationship. If it is worth it to you then you may have to just be patient because everyone works on their one time.
For the person who was hurt, here are a few tips to help you heal that pain and let your guard down.
1. Consider the importance of forgiveness. You know that quote, holding a grudge is like letting someone rent an apartment in your head, rent free. Or the other one, holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. The point is that it causes a lot of emotional turmoil to stay anger at someone. It is both physically and spiritually exhausting. It increases your anxiety and stress levels with is terrible for your soul and health. As long as you hold on to it, you can't move forward. So let it go.
2. Reflect on all that has happened. You expect them to own up to what they did wrong, well you also have to look at how did you react to the situation. When you are angry, you can easily lash out and then blame the other person for reacting that way. Look at how your anger and inability to forget has effected your life and well-being.
3. Realize forgiveness is an active choice. Choosing to forgive someone is a conscious decision. If we let you emotions rule us, we would never forgive anyone. We need to decide it and not let ourselves flare up when we think about it.
4. Stop being a victim and realize you have control. Stop acting like "Oh this person did this to me", okay maybe they did but stop being a victim because it doesn't help you. You will continue you on in this "woe is me" position and that will only fuel the fire. When you realize that you have the option to be upset and hold on to it, you take the power away from the person who hurt you. You can decide what you let in and what you don't.
Well, that's kind of it, folks. I hope this helps some of you out there. I know these are things that have helped me in my life.