Today I realized that I practically never let go. On the rare occasions I'm not attached to a person or an outcome, I let go and beautiful things happen. The moment I get attached everything feels hard and messy and hurts. I'm constantly trying to force and push things into the direction I want them to go, sometimes before they're ready to manifest, even sometimes when I'm hurting another person.
I've had my fair share of disappointments and heartbreaks in life. I'm anything but unbreakable. In fact, sometimes I'm literally just a ruined cup of tea away from tears, the tea being "the straw that broke the camels back" and me being afraid of genuinely everything. Let's face it, being afraid is where my need to control and not let go comes from. People hurt me in the past and I'm trying to find some way to prevent it. I feel like if I can just be on top of everything all the time than somehow I'll be able to make it all run smoothly. Well, I'm not a damn wedding planner. I have to stop. I'm afraid if I'm not latching on, it will fade away.
But instead, I'm being my worst self. I'm being needy, rough and overthinking to the point that I am no longer in the moment. I'm so afraid of losing the wonderful things that life has blessed me with that I don't even take the time to enjoy them.
It hit me hard this morning as I was editing a video for my YouTube channel. There were videos of myself and a person I could have been kinder to, but I was too busy trying to force things into place. So, instead, I lost empathy for this person who has been going through a rough time. I lost a measure of kindness that I should have given this person. I lost patience that this person deserved simply because they were kind of in the way of my dream life.
Nothing sucks more than realizing you haven't been your best self, especially when you thought you had the moral high ground. So, this is my admission that I need to let go. One breath at a time. One thought at a time. One day at a time. Things will work or they won't. I need to let go for my own sanity. I need to let go so I can start enjoying what I have rather than worrying about it.